


Love, Lust, and the Autonomic Nervous System

by vilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkward teen Arthur, Bisexual Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Decidedly trashier than my usual fare, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First Time, Half-Sibling Incest Nightmare, Happy Ending, Homoromantic Arthur, M/M, Modern AU, Nightmare scenario is Morgana/Arthur, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Time Skips, Young Love, but sweet too, mild dubcon elements, no actual incest, no magic, teenagers having sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-25 11:13:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17724104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vilia/pseuds/vilia
Summary: The one where Arthur discovers the difference between physical arousal, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.





	1. Attraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, boy. I've had this story mostly complete for months. At first I told myself that I had to finish posting another story before I could start posting anything new, and while that was valid, the last chapters of that have been up for more than a month now. To be honest, I've been putting off posting this because I'm more than a little nervous to be sharing it. The idea for it started as pure PWP, but while I couldn't resist adding in a plot along the way, its trashy beginnings are still clearly evident.
> 
> Now for a series of warnings. I chose not to add archive warnings, but some people might consider this underage. Arthur and Merlin are both over the age of consent where they live, but maybe not where you live. Likely to be more concerning are the dubcon and incest related tags. In the reality of the story, nothing unwanted happens between any pairing, and there’s no actual incest, so maybe I’m going overboard with all this, but I figure better safe than sorry. I’ve detailed why I’ve included these tags in the notes below.

Arthur couldn’t stop thinking about it. ‘It’ being Merlin’s dick. And he couldn’t understand why. There was nothing particularly unique about it. Arthur had seen the whole football team naked at one point or another. It wasn’t a big deal. People took showers, they changed clothes. It wasn’t like he was purposely looking. And anyway, Arthur liked girls. There was no doubt.

Back near the beginning of the autumn term, he’d accidentally walked in on his half-sister while she was stepping out of the shower. He got a full side view of her pert tits and her curvy arse. He’d slammed the door behind him and retreated to his bedroom, Morgana’s yells chasing him the whole way. Then he’d closed the door, turned the lock—a skill Morgana would be wise to learn—and pulled out his dick to wank.

Once he’d got started, his brain flooded him with a whole wealth of disturbing thoughts. He wondered if Morgana had left the door unlocked on purposed, wondered if she was the type of girl that would let her boyfriend fuck her up the arse. He knew he was a freak. He was pretty sure there was supposed to be some sort of mental blockade that prevented his brain from subjecting himself to this kind of shit.

He even had a dream about it. Or rather, a nightmare.

“Come here, Arthur,” she crooned. “I want to show you something.”

He knew it was a trick because she was an evil witch on her best days and as soon as he set foot in her bedroom, she unbuttoned her top to show she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath.

“Want to touch?”

In the nightmare, he stumbled backward, fell onto the end of her bed. She hiked up her skirt, stepped out of her lace panties, and straddled his lap. He could have—should have—slid back on the bed and made his escape, but he didn’t. After a few rolls of her hips to prove that his body was interested if nothing else, she unbuttoned his trousers, pulled them down with his pants, and mounted him.  

They never kissed in the dream, and thank God for that, but after she gave him a brief taste, she climbed off, got onto her hands and knees, and looked over her shoulder to say, “Come on, then, Arthur. You do want to fuck, don’t you?”

Arthur shuttered, but his dick was hard and he had a warm, slick hole waiting for him. He moved to kneel behind her, reached down to squeeze at her tits, and stuck her again with his prick.

She moaned loud enough for their father to hear down in his study and rocked herself back onto his cock until he spurted inside her. When he withdrew, he found his erection wasn’t fading. She wasn’t done either, said, “That’s not all you’ve got for me is it, little brother?”

He eyed her exposed arse, used her natural wetness to slick up her back hole too, pushing both thumbs in to loosen her up, and found she really was perfectly willing for this sort of sex. Maybe she liked it even more. Arthur did, found he couldn’t stop fucking her back there. Not even when her belly began to swell from their earlier perversion. Not when a child showed up at his side to watch as Arthur continued to fuck the kid’s mother, not when the boy grew to a young man with dark curly hair. Couldn’t stop until his son raised a knife, said, “I hate you, Father,” and slammed it into Arthur’s heart.

He’d woken dripping with sweat, heart racing, and had the distinct urge to vomit. He nearly did when he pushed his blankets aside and realized he’d cum in his pants—had to choke back down a swallow of acid. He’d curled onto his side like a fucking baby and cried.

He hadn’t been able to look Morgana in the eye for weeks. Not until he came to the realization that no matter what fucked up trash he’d thought about or dreamed about, he didn’t want any of it to actually happen. At all. Ever. That boner he’d popped after seeing her in the bathroom meant nothing. He blamed his hormones. He tended to get random erections at inappropriate moments anyway, and thinking about that much bare skin in general was bound to get his blood flowing south. It wasn’t about _her_.

The girl he actually wanted to have sex with was his ex-girlfriend, Gwen, but she’d said she wasn’t ready yet, thought she might want to save herself for marriage. Two weeks later, she’d broken up with him and a week after that she started going out with Lance. As if that short of a break didn’t make it perfectly clear that Gwen had dumped him specifically for Lance. And just to really rub it in, Arthur was pretty sure they were fucking. They looked too happy together to come to any other conclusion. Arthur might be a little bitter.

But back to Merlin. Or Merlin’s dick. He wasn’t excessively well endowed, or misshapen, or anything like that. He was perfectly normal. And yet, it seemed like whenever Arthur had a spare moment, when his mind was unoccupied, it went back to the little glimpse he’d got of Merlin’s junk when his teammate was toweling off after a shower.

Arthur tried to convince himself that he was just surprised by how normal he was. Merlin was the skinniest player on the team. Maybe Arthur had somehow expected him to be unusually slim, or just small all around. His mental arguments weren’t very convincing.

He and Merlin weren’t what you would call friends. When Merlin first transferred to their school, they’d got into a spectacular argument and avoided each other for years afterward. Things were different now. Merlin had joined the team and generally accepted Arthur as the team captain, though he did still call Arthur out whenever he was being an idiot. No one else had ever really had the courage to stand up to him in that way, and Arthur had to admit that it was an admirable trait.

They were celebrating a win against their arch rival and their joke of a captain, Neil Sigan, when someone started talking about their newest game.

Arthur only came into the conversation when Percival said, “Come on, Merlin, break the tie for us. Which is better, PlayStation or Xbox.”

People were constantly asking for Merlin’s opinion on things. Maybe that was because Merlin seemed to naturally get on with just about everyone, his fight with Arthur, one of the rare exceptions.

“I’ve never played video games,” Merlin said.

“What?” Arthur never missed an opportunity to tease Merlin if it could at all be helped. “Too busy studying to have a little fun every now and then?”

Everyone knew Merlin was the smartest bloke on the team. He even helped Mr. Gaius in the chemistry lab, though he didn’t have to. He wasn’t getting extra credit. Arthur knew that for sure. He’d long assumed that was the deal, until he’d done poorly on a test and asked Mr. Gaius if he could do the same (because Uther was the sort of parent that would take away Arthur’s credit card if his marks weren’t high enough).

Merlin spun on him, looking far angrier than was called for at such gentle ribbing. “Gaming systems are expensive, in case you didn’t know. My mum works really hard and can still barely afford food and rent. We can’t all be rich like you, you prat.”

“I’m not rich.”

“Maybe not, but your dad certainly is.”

Arthur’s world shifted slightly, and he wondered if that work Merlin was doing for Mr. Gaius was actually some sort of part time job to earn extra money and help his mum.

Arthur’s own mother was dead and he had no memory of her (his father had quickly married Morgana’s mother who he’d had an affair with years earlier, hence Morgana), but he liked to think that if his real mum were still alive, he’d do anything she needed of him, be that chores around the house or a part time job. Even so, it was hard to wrap his head around the idea. Money had never been an issue in his family. He got everything he wanted, never had to work for it. School was pretty easy too. He wasn’t as smart as Merlin, but he usually did well enough with a minimal amount of effort.

The only thing he’d ever had a hard time with was relationships. Gwen wasn’t his first failure. There’d been Vivian and Sofia before her. He couldn’t make any of them last past a few months. Vivian, he was certain, had only stuck around as long as she had because she liked his perceived popularity. For Sofia, it had been his dad’s money. Gwen at least was a decent person, kind even, when she wasn’t dumping him for someone else.

When each of them broke it off, they claimed he was too distant. That he clearly wasn’t interested. And what a joke! They were all gorgeous. He liked being with all of them. Sure, he had never stared at them with soppy eyes, or done any of the stupid romantic stuff that other couples did, but that didn’t mean anything. He wasn’t like Elyan, who could be happy just holding his girlfriend’s hand because he was so stupidly in love with her. For Arthur, it was so much simpler. Either he wanted to fuck or he didn’t. Easy. He didn’t even have to like her as a friend, though he had with Gwen. Fat lot of good that had done him. All that extraneous lovey-dovey bollocks that other people went on and on about? Arthur just didn’t get it.

Arthur thought about his conversation with Merlin all night, wondered what it was like for him at home. Just how poor was his family? And he’d said his _mum_ worked hard. What about his dad? Were his parents divorced? Maybe his dad was lazy or sick or… It was weird that Arthur wanted to know. It shouldn’t matter. He didn’t need a weird obsession with Merlin’s home life to go along with his weird obsession with his dick.

When Arthur took a shower the next day before school and started stroking away his morning wood, thoughts of Merlin crept in. He imagined it wasn’t his own dick he was touching but Merlin’s. It was a change from his usual frustrated wank fantasy of Gwen. He tried not to worry about it too much. He knew he liked girls, so he couldn’t be gay. And he knew from that nightmare about Morgana that just because he thought about something, that didn’t mean it was some repressed desire.

Still, it was weird, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it, wanted his normal thoughts back. That nightmare had eventually helped clarify things about Morgana for him, so he reasoned he was just going to have to confront his obsession with Merlin head-on. Merlin’s lack of video game experience was the perfect cover.

Arthur took the next opportunity he had to talk to Merlin alone. It was later in the week after practice, and Merlin was waiting for his ride home to show up. Arthur stepped up next to him on the pavement.

“Hey, Merlin.”

Merlin eyed him warily. “Arthur.”

All of Arthur’s careful planning suddenly became useless to him. He’d practiced what he wanted to say over and over in his head. Now, he couldn’t remember a single word of it.

“Didn’t you drive to school?” Merlin said. “Something wrong with your car today?”

Arthur stared at him. What was he talking about? Arthur had something he wanted to ask, but Merlin was going off in a completely different direction.

“Uhhh.”

Merlin’s eyebrows climbed up his forehead, then he turned thoughtful. “You all right? That was a pretty hard fall you took when Percy ran into you near the end of practice. You don’t have a concussion or something do you?”

Oh God. Now Merlin thought he had brain trauma! He was making an utter fool of himself, and his pits were sweating more now than they had during practice. Merlin was going to notice and think Arthur was gross on top of everything else. He considered just turning round and walking away, but that would make Merlin think he was even weirder than he already did. Arthur couldn’t have that.

“Uh, my car,” he said, his brain finally catching up with him. “It’s fine. And no, I didn’t hit my head.”

“You sure? If you need a lift home, I’m sure my mum could take you. You shouldn’t drive with a head injury.”

“I said I’m fine,” he snapped. But another part of him was busy dissecting Merlin’s words.

 _He’s talking about his mum again. If she works so much, why can’t his dad pick him up instead?_ _And are they too poor to even afford an old banger for him to drive to school when he has footie practice or can he simply not drive because he’s not 17 yet?_

Arthur suddenly really wanted to know when Merlin’s birthday was.

“I’m just trying to be nice. You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

He was blowing it. Great. Even if he asked Merlin now, he’d never agree. Arthur scrambled desperately for an excuse to explain his behaviour.

“Sorry. I was just… You know, distracted for a second there.”

Merlin looked dubious, so Arthur pointed to a couple of pretty girls standing a half dozen paces behind Merlin. One of them saw him pointing, smiled at him and waved just as Merlin glanced over his shoulder.

“Well that explains it then,” Merlin said with a frown.

“Anyway.” Finally, he could get back on track here. “I was trying to ask if you want to come over to my house someday.”

Merlin’s surprise was readily apparent.

“You said you’ve never played video games before, so I thought we could, you know… I’ve got tons of games, and I never get to play the kind that need two players. My sister, Morgana, hates video games.” Maybe they’d get on a little better if she didn’t. Arthur would let her play as long as she asked nicely.  

“Why don’t you ask one of your friends? I don’t need anyone’s pity.”

“What?”

That wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all. Arthur was constantly surrounded by people, but the truth was, he didn’t really have any close friends. There were a few people from the team he hung out with at school more than anyone else, but they never spent time together after hours, never got together on the weekends, or on holidays. Now he had to either admit to being some pathetic loser, or have Merlin think he was a condescending prick.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just trying to be nice,” he said, purposely reusing Merlin’s words. He could see that Merlin wasn’t convinced, so he swallowed his pride because he really needed to get rid of his weird obsession. “Anyway, my… friends… I mean, I’m not really close with them like you think I am.”

“You’re not?” Merlin’s confused expression seemed to be saying, ‘I don’t see why not.’ And that made Arthur want to spill all his secrets.

“Well, Elyan’s attached at the hip with his girlfriend. Discounting practice, I don’t think I’ve talked with him more than 10 minutes all year, and Gwaine’s only interested to chatting up anyone unfortunate enough not to know to stay away from him.”

“What about Leon? I thought you two were best mates.”

“Nah. We work well together on the field, but we don’t ever see each other outside practice.”

“Oh.”

“So, what do you say? You can pick what we play.” Arthur started to ramble a little, listing off some of his favourites and even some games he hated because maybe Merlin would like them.

“Sounds fun,” Merlin interrupted. He had a big smile. Arthur tried to resist returning it but didn’t quite manage. He felt like a complete idiot, but at least Merlin had agreed.

“Tomorrow?” That would be a Friday and they could stay up late if they wanted.

“I’ll have to ask my mum, but that should work.”

“All right. Ask tonight and let me know. I can drive you to my mine and back home if that helps your mum.”

Arthur hadn’t thought it was possible for Merlin to smile any brighter, but he did. Arthur had trouble looking away.

-x-x-

After a quick tour of the rest of the house, Arthur showed Merlin to his room where he had his gaming systems set up. Merlin dumped his backpack on the floor next to the door and pulled off his jacket, tossed it onto the foot of Arthur’s bed.

“Your house is really nice. I think my entire flat is about the size of your living room.”

Arthur felt sure he was exaggerating, but took the compliment for what it was.

“It’s really too big. To make it even worse, my dad’s always at work and Morgana’s usually over at her friend’s. It’s a lot of space for one person.”

“Two people today,” Merlin said.

“Yeah.”

Arthur’s hands were starting to get a little clammy as he showed Merlin his stockpile of games. He said, “Take a look and pick whatever you like. I’ll run down to the kitchen and get us some snacks.”

“All right,” Merlin said and plopped down on the floor to look through his collection.

Once out in the hallway, Arthur leaned against the wall, drew a few deep breaths to try and calm down. He had Merlin Emrys in his _bedroom_. And there was no one else in the house.

Merlin knew they were alone too. What if… Arthur pushed himself away from the wall and headed down the stairs, imagining that when he got back to his room, instead of setting up a game, Merlin was spread out on Arthur’s bed, rubbing at his dick through his clothes. Arthur’s jeans were suddenly far too snug. He detoured to the toilet, locked himself inside. He couldn’t go back to his room like this, couldn’t spend any amount of time sitting beside Merlin with his cock this hard. Not only would it be uncomfortable, but what if Merlin noticed? He would die of embarrassment.

Merlin was expecting him back soon, so Arthur had to be quick about it. He opened his fly, tugged his jeans and pants down to midthigh in one go and began stripping his cock as fast as he could. He put his free hand on the sink and watched himself in the mirror. What would Merlin think about the way his face contorted when he touched himself like this?

He grabbed a flannel from the drawer to his left and spurted onto that so he wouldn’t get any cum on his clothes. He rinsed out the cloth, washed his hands, and got back to his original task of getting something for him and Merlin to eat.

The kitchen was well stocked, and he put together a tray with crisps and a small selection of soft drinks because he didn’t know what Merlin liked. At the last second, he tossed a couple of apples and a bottle of water on the tray too because maybe Merlin liked to eat healthy.

Arthur wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved that Merlin wasn’t touching himself when he got back to his bedroom. He stood in the open doorway a few moments watching as Merlin looked back and forth between the TV and his gaming controller, trying to memorize which buttons did what.

When Merlin finally noticed Arthur was there, his intense concentration transformed into a bright smile. He said, “Took you a while. I thought maybe you’d got lost, and I needed to come rescue you.”

“Ha ha. You’re so very funny,” Arthur said in his best monotone. Internally, was a different story. _Why does he have to smile at me like that?_ It made him feel as if his IQ were temporarily cut in half.

They sat next to each other on the floor. Usually Arthur had comfortable gaming chairs, but he’d moved them into one of the spare bedrooms last night so that he’d have the opportunity to sit close.

Merlin reached for one of the apples. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Arthur caught sight of Merlin’s mouth opening wide for that first bite, his plump lips first spreading out across the skin of the fruit, then sliding together again as his teeth dug in. Arthur’s hand hovered dumbly over the crisps, and he had to remind himself not to be a freak.

“Apples are my favourite,” Merlin said with a grin, his mouth still half full.

“Yeah.” Arthur’s voice came out a little rough, “mine too.” They were now anyway.

Merlin turned out to be horrible at the fighting game he’d selected. Arthur tried to help him figure out the combinations that would trigger his character’s best attacks, but there was no way he could compete with Arthur who’d spent more than a hundred hours on the game in single player mode.

“I went about choosing this game all wrong,” Merlin lamented.

“Oh, yeah? How so?”

“It was on the top, so I thought it might be one of your favourites. Should have realized that would mean I didn’t stand a chance.”

Arthur laughed, felt a strange little warmth bloom inside his chest that Merlin wanted to play a game Arthur liked even though Arthur had been very clear that he could pick whatever he wanted. 

Arthur pretended to adjust the position of his legs, but really it was just an excuse to shift a little closer to his teammate. As he’d planned, Merlin didn’t seem to notice; his eyes were completely focused on the game. Their arms were so close, they were almost touching. This was good. Any minute now, Arthur was going to freak out, realize how gross it was to be thinking about another boy’s dick, and this whole thing would finally, blessedly be over.  

Around the time they ordered in supper from a local restaurant, they switched to a racing game that Arthur had barely played. Merlin did a bit better, though his inexperience with gaming in general meant Arthur still had the advantage. Merlin took it in stride, launched into an impromptu story detailing the sad but ridiculous backstory of his character, who’d been cursed by an internet troll to never win a race. Arthur hadn’t laughed so much in ages. How was it that he’d failed to notice how funny and quick-witted Merlin could be?

It wasn’t until it was time to take Merlin home for the night that he realized he’d forgotten about his original purpose in having Merlin over. His weird obsession was still fully intact, and maybe it was worse in a way, because he could feel it expanding beyond Merlin’s dick to include his smile and his laugh and the way Merlin looked at him sometimes—as if he were sharing some silent secret.

He would just have to invite Merlin over again. He’d get it right next time.

He wasn’t as nervous asking the second time, and it was even easier the third. It didn’t take long for Arthur to lose track of how many times Merlin had been to his house. After a while, he hardly even needed to ask. It was just what they did.

“Hey,” Merlin said one day in the middle of getting clobbered in a medieval fighting game.

Arthur smashed Merlin’s character over the head with a mace and the mage fell to the ground. Merlin had got good enough at this game that he could usually beat Arthur, but they weren’t really keeping score. Anymore, they spent as much time talking as they did actually playing the games.

“You should come to my house sometime. My mum said she’d cook us dinner.”

Arthur felt a nervous lump building in his throat. “Your mum?”

“It was her idea, actually.”

A lead weight ballooned into existence in the pit of his stomach. The pull of it seemed to drag down his whole body. Did Merlin want to introduce him to his mum or was his mum just forcing him to invite Arthur over since they’d been to Arthur’s house so many times?

Sometimes it felt like Merlin could read his mind. “Not that I don’t want you to come, I mean.”

And why did Arthur even care one way or another? Why was he suddenly afraid that Merlin’s mum was going to hate him? He hadn’t been nervous about meeting Gwen’s dad. Or Vivian’s for that matter, even though he had a reputation for running off his daughter’s boyfriends.

Despite his nerves, Arthur couldn’t help but agree and at the end of the week he found himself sitting at a tiny kitchen table inside a tiny flat with Merlin on his right and Merlin’s mother, Hunith, to his left.

“Are you sure you boys don’t want to eat in the lounge by yourselves?”

Arthur wouldn’t have minded, but Merlin, the good son, said, “No, mum. You shouldn’t eat alone just because we have a guest. Besides, Arthur doesn’t get to eat family dinners very often so it’s a nice experience for him.”

A nice experience for Arthur would be taking Merlin’s hand, leading them to Merlin’s bedroom and fucking his brains out but that seemed unlikely, not only because Merlin’s mum was home, but because Arthur apparently lacked the courage to make a move. And God! When had his inner monologue changed from wanting to gross himself out to wanting to go all the way?

“That’s a shame you don’t get to eat with your father most nights.”

“Most nights?” Arthur laughed. “He says he tries to be home for supper on the weekends but he’s always at work. I don’t think he’s taken a single day off in the last few months. Sometimes I eat with my sister, Morgana, but she spends most of her time with her friend Morgause.”

“That sounds very lonely. Didn’t Merlin tell me your father remarried?”

_“Mum!”_

“Yeah. Catrina, Morgana’s mom. But she ran off years ago with her weird little personal assistant. We have no idea where they are.”

“Well, you’re welcome here anytime.”

“That’s—” He was going to say ‘unnecessary’ but changed his mind. “—really nice of you. Thanks.” He took another bite of chicken. “This is really good Mrs. Emrys.”

“Thank you, Arthur, but it’s Ms. Emrys, or Miss, though I feel a bit old for it, but you can call me Hunith if you like.”

Arthur flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry. I thought… When Merlin said his dad had passed away, I assumed you were a widow.”

“It’s all right, dear. It’s a common mistake.”

Arthur felt a sudden pressure at his eyes. Merlin’s mum just called him ‘dear.’ His own stepmother had never even done that. He felt relieved to notice that Hunith was looking down at his plate, which was nearly clear, and not at him.

She said, “I’ve made a pound cake since you’re here, Arthur. Why don’t I just go get that?”

Merlin smiled at him, saying, “Mum’s pound cake is the best. You’re going to love it, Arthur.”

“I’m sure I will.”

After they finished their cake, which was every bit as good as Merlin had promised, Arthur and Merlin retreated to the sitting room while Hunith cleaned up.

“Hope that was all right with you,” Merlin said. “I didn’t want my mum to feel lonely.”

Arthur shrugged. “It’s fine. I really like your mum. She’s… kind of what I like to imagine my mum would have been like.” Arthur had no idea why he was telling Merlin this. He never talked about him mum, not even with Morgana, and certainly not with his father.

Merlin was looking at him with an odd expression, kind of soft-hearted with a dumb little smile tugging at his lips, like he knew that Arthur telling him these things somehow made him special.

“Want to watch the Manchester United game?”

“Sure.”

They turned on the TV and started a running commentary about the strengths and skills of their favourite players, about the weaknesses of the opposing team. Merlin had nothing complimentary to say about Arsenal’s players, said the whole team was overrated.

Arthur liked United’s central midfielder best. Merlin claimed that was only because they played the same position. Merlin praised the goalkeeper, said he was the best in the league. Arthur hoped Merlin wasn’t saying that just because he was the fittest bloke on the team. Hoped Merlin didn’t have a thing for goalies. Ugh. _Gwaine._

Gwaine would probably give Merlin’s dick a nice long suck if Merlin let him. But then, Gwaine would go for anyone that would have him.

Halfway through the game, Merlin’s mum came into the room and said, “I have to head out to work now. You boys be good. And if your father’s okay with it, you can stay the night if you like, Arthur. We have a lilo that Merlin could use, and you could sleep in his bed.” She busied herself with tying a kerchief over her hair.

Thoughts of sleeping in Merlin’s bed were quickly interrupted.

“What do you mean work?” Merlin said, sounding cross. “You just had a shift this morning.”

“It’s my new job, Merlin. We talked about this.”

“The cleaning service?”        

“That’s right.”

“But—”

“This isn’t the time to argue, Merlin, and if I don’t leave soon, I’ll be late.”

Merlin jumped up from the sofa, pulled his mum off into the kitchen, saying, “Sorry, Arthur. Be right back.”

Arthur knew they’d left so that they wouldn’t be arguing in front of him, knew it would be rude to listen in, but he was intrigued. From the way he talked, Arthur had thought Merlin never argued with his mum. Arthur argued all the time with his father. Maybe if Merlin and his mum could have a fight, Arthur’s family wasn’t as messed up as he thought.

He turned the volume down on the TV, cocked his head back toward the kitchen, and strained to hear.

“I told you,” Merlin was saying, “I’ll pick up another job. You already work too hard, Mum! And I don’t need all the nice things you buy for me.”

“Merlin, I bought you shoes for school, and your football kit. Those hardly qualify as ‘nice things.’ Those are the things a parent is supposed to provide. You need to focus on school and having fun with your friends. I know you like spending time with Arthur. You wouldn’t be able to do that if you had another job.”

Arthur couldn’t help the quick little grin that twitched across his face. Merlin liked being with him. He’d thought so. Merlin didn’t have to come to Arthur’s house when he was invited, but he usually did. The only times he didn’t were when he had some legitimate excuse, like studying for a major exam, working for Gaius, or running an errand for his mum. Still, it felt good to have confirmation from an unbiased source.

“I thought we agreed!” Merlin was pleading now, and Arthur _really_ shouldn’t be listening.

He turned the volume back up, and when Merlin plopped down beside him a minute later, sulking, Arthur just wanted to make him feel better.

Hunith slipped out the door, and it came as a sudden realization that he had Merlin all to himself.

“Hey, Merlin?”

“What.”

“Sorry you had a fight with your mum.”

Merlin let out a heavy sigh, rubbed at his forehead. “She works too hard; that’s all.”

“Still…” He turned in his seat so that he was facing Merlin better. “Bet I know a way to cheer you up.”

“Oh, yeah?” Merlin looked away from the TV to where Arthur was inching closer.

“Yeah. Wanna try?”

“Okay.” Merlin bit at his bottom lip, and Arthur looked down to his crotch.

“You sure?”

A mildly confused look crossed over Merlin’s features, but Arthur wasn’t paying all that much attention because Merlin said, “Why not?”

Arthur had to swallow hard. He was really going to do this. He was doing it _now_ —reaching out, brushing his hand against the crotch of Merlin’s jeans, pressing a bit so Merlin could really feel it. Arthur’s heart raced. This was incredible. The only thing separating his hand from Merlin’s dick, that piece of him that Arthur had been thinking about for months, was a couple of layers of clothes. He was soft when Arthur first touched him, but as he gave a little squeeze, he could feel that beginning to change.

Merlin sucked in a sudden breath, and Arthur pulled away, finally looking up to see Merlin’s reaction. It was horrible. Merlin was clearly surprised, possibly uncomfortable. And why hadn’t Arthur just said right out what he wanted to do? Asked properly? Or Christ, he could have gone for a little kiss before grabbing at Merlin’s junk out of nowhere.

“God, I’m sorry.” Merlin was going to hate him now, and that was the worst part. He was one of those creeps all the women in the news were speaking out against. “I thought…” He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. Temporary lunacy, perhaps, but that was no excuse. He stood up, his back ramrod straight. He felt like he was going to be sick. He needed to get out of here, he needed to—

“Wait.” Merlin grabbed his hand. _The_ hand. The one Arthur had touched him with. “You startled me is all. I thought you only liked girls.”

Arthur’s mouth worked, but no sound came out. He wanted to said, ‘I like you.’

“You can touch me again, if you still want.”

The worst of Arthur’s worries faded. He still felt like a creep, but Merlin was forgiving him. He would do better in future.

“Really?”

Merlin nodded.

Arthur sank down to his knees, inched himself up between Merlin’s spread legs. “Like this?”

Merlin nodded again, so Arthur fumbled with the button of Merlin’s jeans, his fingers lacking their usual dexterity, and worked the zip down slowly.

Merlin shifted in his seat like he was trying to get comfortable. When Arthur glanced back up at him, his pupils were huge and his lips were slightly parted.

“Arthur… Wow.”

Arthur’s own dick was making itself known, going hard with the mere anticipation of finally getting his hands on Merlin, his mouth too.

Merlin wore navy briefs, and Arthur slipped a finger in the open fly to get his first feel of Merlin’s skin down there. He licked his lips, tugged Merlin’s privates out into view and admired the way Merlin’s blood darkened skin stood in contrast to the navy fabric.

Merlin made a helpless little noise in the back of his throat and scooted closer to the edge of the sofa so Arthur could get at him easier.

Then it was happening, Arthur had his first taste, put his tongue right on the tip and sucked the whole head past his lips. It filled his mouth more than he’d expected. He wanted to take him in deeper, but every time he tried, he felt the urge to cough or gag. Merlin was probably wondering if Arthur thought his cock was a lolly with the way he was just sucked at the tip.

He was obviously doing a terrible job. Merlin wasn’t as enthusiastic as Arthur thought he should be. He’d seen internet porn. Wasn’t Merlin supposed to be tugging at his hair or moaning out his pleasure? The most Arthur got was a couple of abortive whimpers. He worked harder, trying to make it feel good for Merlin. He hollowed out his cheeks and tongued at that spot on the underside where Arthur liked to rub when he touched himself.

“Arth—! I’m… I’m gonna… you know!”

Even with the warning, Arthur was surprised to suddenly feel cum shoot into his mouth. He pulled back and got the stuff on his face, had to resort to using his hands to see Merlin the rest of the way through his orgasm. When Merlin had sufficiently recovered, he reached toward Arthur’s face, but his hand just hovered there, as if he didn’t understand that he was allowed to touch too.

“I tried to warn you. Are you mad?”

Merlin looked so worried, Arthur couldn’t help but smile up at him and put a reassuring hand on his leg.

“I wanted you to cum. That was kind of the point.” He used his shirt sleeve to clean his face as best as he could.

Merlin blushed from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. He looked… Arthur didn’t want to use the word _pretty_ …

“Can I kiss you?” Merlin said, more hopefully. “I’ve never kissed a boy before.”

Arthur nodded, sat back up on the sofa, and leaned in to press his lips with Merlin’s. All things considered, it was a rather chaste kiss, but Arthur was glad in a way, because he wasn’t sure if Merlin would like tasting his own cum. It still felt amazing.

Merlin’s eyes fluttered open when they pulled away. A small, blissful smile graced his lips, and Arthur realized he really was beautiful. Couldn’t see why he’d been so hesitant to admit it. Even though his cock was still throbbing hard, he felt contented, happy. It didn’t even matter to him if Merlin wanted to reciprocate or not. He’d never felt like this before. Not with Vivian or Sophia. Not even with Gwen. He had a sudden urge to laugh. Was this what a crush was _supposed_ to feel like?

“Have you… ever had…” Arthur inclined his head toward Merlin’s crotch, “…before?”

“Yeah,” Merlin said, but before Arthur’s expression could turn too dark, he rushed on to explain. “But only once, and you did a much better job.”

Arthur felt sure he was lying. He should have practiced on something at home before he tried it on Merlin. He could have learned to tame his gag reflex, fit more in his mouth.

“Gilli kept scraping me with his teeth. It was terrible.”

Arthur did laugh this time, feeling suddenly chuffed.  

“Does this mean you’ll be my boyfriend?” Merlin said.

This was the part where Arthur was supposed to say no.

“Yeah. I’ll be your boyfriend. I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Details for the warning tags: In a scene clearly identified as a dream/nightmare, Morgana, who is Arthur’s half-sister, initiates sex with him while he’s still feeling ambivalent about it. He decides to go with it in the dream, but it is a nightmare and not something he actually wants. In another scene, Arthur suggests to Merlin that they “try something” and while Merlin agrees, it’s clear that he doesn’t actually understand what Arthur is suggesting, so when Arthur touches Merlin’s clothed groin, Merlin’s too shocked to do or say anything for a moment. Of course, Merlin really is up for it, and Arthur quickly realizes that what he did still wasn’t okay and that he has to improve his communication skills.


	2. First Love

Arthur liked being Merlin’s boyfriend even more than he’d expected. They had to tell Merlin’s closest friends at school—unlike Arthur, Merlin had an abundance of real friends—and their entire football team (because they were all going to find out eventually anyway, and it was easier to do it all at once), but out of everyone, only Valiant was an arse, and Arthur didn’t care what he thought. He’d never liked him anyway.

Once all that stress was out of the way, he no longer had to hide his attraction to Merlin at school and could take him out on proper dates, though mostly they still just spent time at Arthur’s house. The only problem with going over to Merlin’s was that his mum was usually home in the evenings. Arthur didn’t have any problems with Hunith. She knew they were a couple and treated him incredibly well. She even gave him hugs when he visited. But she only worked her second job three nights a week, and that restricted what he and Merlin could do while she was there.

They were lucky Hunith trusted them. She smiled and chuckled to herself whenever she caught them kissing, would say how cute they were together, then apologize for interrupting and leave them alone. If only she knew what else they got up to, she might not be so understanding. If she knew the other things that Arthur wanted to do to her son, she would probably forbid Merlin from ever seeing him again.  

Arthur wanted to be with Merlin all the time. They barely played video games like they used to. As long as Morgana and his father weren’t home, and they usually weren’t, they spent time on Arthur’s bed. Sometimes they just talked, but they also traded blow jobs and hand jobs. They rutted against each other, had even done that without any clothes for the first time last week. It’d been fucking brilliant. Arthur could do that every single day. But he wanted to try more, too, so on a Wednesday afternoon, he finally found the courage to bring it up.

He’d sneaked off to a store on the other side of town earlier in the week to buy condoms and lube just in case Merlin was up for it. He’d done his research on the internet. Picked the lube that had the best reviews. Knew that part was important. He’d hate himself forever if Merlin didn’t enjoy it too.

Merlin had just set his things down beside the door and Arthur said, “Hey Merlin, want to have sex?”

Merlin grinned at him. “Course I do.” And Arthur was about to just get on with it, then realized that maybe Merlin thought of all the other stuff they’d been doing as sex too. Which, Arthur supposed, wasn’t inaccurate.

“No, I’m talking about… erm, real sex.” That wasn’t the right description, but with as nervous as he felt, this was the best he could do to explain. “Full sex.”

“You mean like…” Merlin’s cheeks went bright red. “Anal?”

“Yeah,” Arthur said with a breathy exhale, and God, he was starting to get hard already, just hearing Merlin say the word.

“Erm…” He looked flustered, and Arthur’s excitement eased off a bit. What if he didn’t want to? Or what if he only wanted that type of sex if he were the one on top? Arthur didn’t want to bottom. He just… He just didn’t.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” he said, though it wasn’t exactly the whole truth. He would pretend it didn’t bother him because he didn’t want Merlin to feel bad, but he could feel the crushing disappointment that sort of rejection would bring. It would feel like Merlin didn’t want Arthur as much as Arthur wanted him, regardless of whether it was true or not. “But I really want to fuck you. Want to make you feel good.”

Arthur had watched enough porn and read enough on the internet that he thought he knew roughly where a man’s prostate was located, knew it was supposed to feel good. And Arthur had a strong compulsion to thrust into a warm, willing body. Wanted to leave his cum there too, though he knew that wasn’t in the cards.  

“Yeah?” Merlin said with a tentative grin. “Want me like that?”

Arthur nodded enthusiastically. Wasn’t sure what it was that made Merlin question that fact. “Want you all the time. You’re amazing. And not just…” Talking about sex was easier than talking about his feelings, but if Merlin was going to let Arthur fuck him, than he supposed Merlin deserved to hear how he felt.

“Not just when we have sex. I like just about everything about you, Merlin.”

“Sure,” Merlin said skeptically, “especially when I argue with you.”

“No one else at school does. I think that makes you brave. And you’re usually right.”

Merlin’s eyes lit up, and he opened his mouth to say something, but Arthur continued on. “Well, _sometimes_ you’re right.”

“No, no! You can’t take it back now!”

Arthur grinned. “You make me laugh. And you’re a kinder, better person than I’ll ever be.”

“I don’t think that last part’s true. You’re a good person too, Arthur. I wouldn’t like you so much if you weren’t.”

“Just yesterday you said I was an arrogant prat.”

Merlin shrugged. “A person can be an arrogant prat and still be good at heart.”

Arthur shifted over on the bed to make room for Merlin, held out his hand to indicated for him to come over. Arthur put a hand high up on Merlin’s thigh and kissed him in what had become a practiced routine. When they broke to catch their breath, Arthur whispered, “Think I might love you.” It wasn’t quite accurate. He was sure he was in love. He only adjusted the wording in case Merlin didn’t feel as strongly.

“Me too.” Merlin kissed him again, and Arthur was in such a state of delight over the reciprocation of his feelings, that he barely kissed back. “Been wanting to say something for weeks. Worried you’d think I was getting attached too quickly.”

Arthur shook his head. “Not too quick for me.”

“Good.”

It might not be the best idea to go straight from the I-love-yous to the can-I-please-fuck-yous, but he’d brought it up beforehand, so Arthur went for it anyway.

“What are you thinking about fucking?” Just in case he said, “We can do something else instead if you want.”

Merlin shook his head slightly. “I’m really nervous.” He bit his bottom lip. “But yeah, let’s try it.”

Arthur didn’t need to be told twice. He climbed over to his bedside table, pulled out his recent purchases, then walked on his knees back to Merlin, peeling off his shirt as he shuffled across the bed.

When they were both stripped bare and lying together, Arthur felt suddenly unsure of himself despite all his research. “Think I’m going to have to get you prepared first.”

Merlin nodded. “I can… I can take two fingers easy.”

Arthur always thought the worst when Merlin said things like that. Merlin had been Arthur’s first kiss with a boy, his first everything with a boy. But Arthur hadn’t been Merlin’s first everything.

“You let Gilli finger you too?” He knew he had no right to sound bitter. Gilli had given Merlin that blow job before they’d started hanging out together, before Arthur had caught sight of his dick in the locker room, before Merlin had even joined the football team.

“What?” Merlin laughed. “After he mangled me with his nasty teeth? There’s no way I’d let any part of him up my arse, not even his little finger.”

“Then how…”

“My own fingers, you clueless git. I finger myself sometimes when I masturbate.”

“Oh.” _Oh._ So… maybe Merlin wasn’t disappointed at all that Arthur wanted to be the one to do the fucking. “You ever think about me when you do that?”

“You really like flattery, don’t you?”

“Just want to see if you think about me. I think about you every time I wank.”

“Well, if you must know, I think about you fucking me even when I’m not touching myself.”

Arthur practically glowed with pride. He took the safety packaging off the bottle of lube, fished out a single condom from the box, then tossed the box onto the floor.

He situated himself between Merlin’s bent knees, ducked his head down to get a good look. Merlin’s hole was tiny, didn’t seem fit for passing anything out of, let alone putting things into, but Merlin had said two fingers was easy, so he grabbed the lube, pumped a squirt onto his fingers, which he’d oriented into a roughly cylindrical configuration, and tried starting Merlin with three.

“Ouch! What the hell, Arthur!”

He pulled back instantly.

“You trying to shove your whole hand up there?”

“No,” he said, feeling defensive. “You said two fingers was easy, so I thought I’d start you at three so it would just be a little stretch.”

“Ugh!” Merlin said, “I’m in love with an idiot. You have to start with one and build up.”

“How was I supposed to know that? _You said_ —”

Merlin laughed. “Well, now you do.”

“All right, all right.”

“And start easy. Try just circling the rim until I relax a little.”

Arthur took a deep breath and settled himself down. It was okay. Merlin was only trying to help him out by telling him what he liked.

“Like this?” He circled his slick index finger around the tiny hole, getting it nice and coated. He pressed a little with the pad of his finger while not trying to actually push in.

“Yeah, that’s good,” Merlin said, squirming a little.

While he was waiting for Merlin to decide he was ready for more, Arthur took advantage of the wealth of naked skin on display before him. He used his free hand to trace shapes over the smooth flesh of his inner thighs, left kisses along the side of his knee.

“Arthur,” Merlin said in a low whine.

“Ready for that finger now?”

Merlin nodded, and Arthur slowly pushed in. He didn’t get very far, just past the first knuckle.

“More lube,” Merlin said, and Arthur complied, got his finger as far in as it could go. He shifted it around, immediately wanting to find Merlin’s prostate and drive him so crazy that he was begging for Arthur to fuck him.

“It’s not that deep,” Merlin said.

“Hmm?”

“My prostate. It’s further down, feels like a little bump along the upper wall.”

Arthur continued his search, noticed Merlin laughing again.

“Is this it? It’s not supposed to tickle is it?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “No, I’m amused by your expression. So serious. Such concentration!”

“I want to figure out how to make you feel good, you idiot.”

Merlin laughter cut off and was immediately replaced by a warm smile. “Here, give me that bottle of lube. I’ll help you.”

Arthur passed the bottle over. Merlin coated one of his fingers, then reached down to slide it in beside Arthur’s. He winced a little, shifted his hips again, then he sighed. “Mmm, it’s right here. Can you feel how I have my finger crooked up a little?”

Arthur maneuvered his finger to slot in on top of Merlin’s. He thought he could feel what Merlin had been describing.

“That’s it?”

Merlin gave a wordless response that Arthur was certain was meant to be an affirmation, but it wasn’t the noise Merlin usually made when he really liked something that Arthur did.

“You sure?”

Merlin snickered. “It’s not a magic button, Arthur. Just keep going.”

Arthur did and sure enough, Merlin was soon holding his breath the way he always did when he was overexcited. Arthur had to remind him to breath. He sucked in a deep breath, said, “That’s it, Arthur. That’s— Mmm. _Arthur._ Feels good. Can’t believe you haven’t tried this on yourself. It’s soo good.”

Arthur could listen to Merlin talk like that all day. And this was just from a couple of fingers. He couldn’t wait to hear what would come out of Merlin’s mouth when Arthur finally got his cock in him.

Merlin pulled his finger out, wiped it on the bed sheets.

“Ew.”

“Gonna need to wash ‘em anyway.”

Arthur let it go, more interested in replacing Merlin’s finger with another of his own.  He took a break from pressing and rubbing at Merlin’s prostate to start pumping his fingers in and out like he would be doing with his cock in a few minutes.

“Should I try three now?” Arthur kind of wanted to move straight on to the main event, but figured they’d better go ahead with the extra finger because if Merlin couldn’t take three, Arthur didn’t see how he’d be able to fit his cock in.

“Umm, yeah. Okay.” Merlin’s voice sounded a little breathy.

Arthur was still nervous based on the reaction he’d got last time, but it wasn’t at all the same. He added a little more lube and the tips of his fingers slid right in. Arthur took that as a sign that they were ready to move on. He started to shift into position.

“No, no. Hold up.”

“What?” He was getting a little irritated. If Merlin didn’t want to fuck, he could have just said so to begin with. No, that was unfair, and Arthur immediately felt a stab of shame for being so selfish. Of course Merlin could change his mind at any time. It wouldn’t make Arthur a bad person if he were disappointed though.

“We still need more lube.”

“What? More? I put more lube in you, you’re going to make a mess. You’ll be dripping with it.”

“Yeah. That’s what we need.”

Arthur widened his eyes in bewilderment, certain Merlin was setting them up for disaster. He slathered it on anyway, using twice the amount he thought was necessary. He pushed it in, smeared it around, didn’t bother trying to clean up the drips that ran down Merlin’s skin and along his crack. He pushed two dripping wet fingers in as deep as he could get them, took a moment to press and rub at Merlin’s prostate on his way back out.

Merlin writhed beneath him. “That’s better.”

Arthur rolled on his condom and positioned his dick at Merlin’s hole. When Merlin nodded, he started pushing himself in, convinced all that lube was going to make him feel loose and sloppy, that there wouldn’t be any friction at all. God, he’d been wrong. Merlin was still tight, too tight, truth be told. The blazing pressure of Merlin’s body squeezed at him in a way he’d not anticipated. He wasn’t sure he was even going to be able to fit himself all the way in.

Merlin winced slightly and put his hands on Arthur’s hips to stop him from going deeper.

“Sorry. Does it hurt?” Ah, fuck. He didn’t want that. He’d been too eager.

“Just… give me a second.” Merlin brought one of his hands up to Arthur’s face. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s always like this in the beginning.”

“What?”

“Yeah. When I finger myself, every time I add more, it takes a while for me to relax enough to get the full enjoyment out of it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did. Just now.”

“No, I mean...”

“Arthur, it’s fine. You’re fine. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Arthur wasn’t sure if he should believe him.

“You can go a little deeper now.”

“You sure?”

“What else do you want from me? I’m telling you what I need as I figure it out myself. I’m not psychic.”

As the top though, it felt like Arthur should know this stuff in advance, like it was his job to anticipate everything so this went as smoothly as he imagined in his head.

Arthur tried to push in further, but it felt like he didn’t budge. Felt like he would hurt Merlin if he were any more forceful. He tried again with the same result. “You’re so tight, Merlin. I don’t know if this is going to work.” He felt like an idiot. This had been his idea and here he was, stuck with just the tip of his dick buried in his boyfriend, unable to progress any further. He was still hard as a rock, but part of him thought maybe they should just give up, go back to what they knew worked. Rubbing their dicks together was amazing. Why wasn’t that good enough?

“All right,” Merlin sighed. “I have an idea. Pull out, okay?”

Arthur wasn’t surprised at Merlin’s request. It was the same thing he’d been thinking after all. He eased himself out and sat back on his arse in defeat to strip off the condom.

“What are you doing? We need that!”

“But…” It was too late now. The pathetic piece of latex, soiled only by lube, was on the bed sheets.

“That wasn’t what I meant at all!” Merlin flipped himself over, got onto his hands and knees, spread his legs and tilted his hips so that his barely used hole was on proud display.

“Oh, fuck.”

“Think it’ll be easier like this Arthur. You’ve got another condom, right?”

Merlin was the most amazing fucking person on the planet. Arthur flung himself over the side of the bed to fish out another condom, tore open the package, and rolled it on. He coated it with a fresh helping of lube and when he turned back to Merlin, found his boyfriend prodding at his hole himself.

“Mmm,” he said, slipping in his usual two fingers. He pumped them in a couple of time, looked over his shoulder at Arthur. “Do it like this sometimes at home.”

It was a feat of acrobatics, reaching behind himself like that, with only one hand left over to support his upper body, but Merlin was rather flexible and stronger than he looked. It was easily the most erotic thing Arthur had ever seen. His dick twitched in anticipation.

Arthur still had the bottle of lube in one hand, and he pumped a couple of extra squirts right onto Merlin’s hole, let Merlin work it into himself deeper. He watched the way he moved, mesmerized. He’d do it the same way Merlin did next time. Assuming they were able to make this work well enough for there to be a next time.

When Merlin brought his fingers out, he circled them around the rim of his hole, pushed in one last time, then set his hand back down on the mattress to support himself.

“Okay, try now.”

Arthur grabbed onto one hip, squeezed at the base of his cock, then guided himself for a second time to Merlin’s entrance.

“Ready?”

“I said I was.”

It really was easier this time. Merlin was still tight, but he got the tip in with less effort and no unpleasant grunts from Merlin. He didn’t like not being able to see his face. He wanted to be able to read his expressions to look for signs of discomfort. He was just going to have to go slow, ask questions, and trust that Merlin would tell him the truth.

“All right?”

“Mmm.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“Ugh, God, Arthur! A yes!”

“All right,” Arthur said, his tone a bit defensive. “Just making sure. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to. Come on, I’m ready for more.”

Arthur shifted in the tiniest fraction, and Merlin pushed back making the movement more extreme than he’d meant to.

“Merlin…”

“Since you’re feeling shy all of a sudden—”

“This isn’t shyness, _Merlin_.”

“Why don’t you let me handle this part?”

“Merlin, what—”

“Just stay still for a minute, all right? I’ll get you worked in.”

Arthur swallowed a lump in his throat.

Merlin adjusted his arms, reached one hand back like he’d done when he fingered himself, felt at the exposed length of Arthur’s dick, then started shifting and rocking and encouraging Arthur to make minor adjustments to his position when necessary. Sooner than Arthur thought possible, his bollocks were pressing into the flesh of Merlin’s arse.

Merlin panted with effort. “There we go.”

He had his hands both back on the mattress by now and used them to leveraged his body forward and back. “Arthur? You still want me like this, right?”

“Yeah,” Arthur croaked, his throat suddenly dry.

“Well then…” And Merlin shifted enough to get more than half of Arthur’s dick out of his body before pressing it back in.

Arthur still hesitated, his legs and arms trembling.

“Please?”

That was all Arthur could take. He splayed a hand across the small of Merlin’s back, used the other to squeeze his arse and began thrusting his hips like he’d wanted to do with every person he’s been attracted to in the past two years. Like he’d done in that horrible nightmare he had about his gross sister, but even thoughts that vile couldn’t cloud this moment. Not only was he finally fucking someone, but he was fucking _Merlin_ , the best friend he’d ever had, his first boyfriend, his first really love.

He didn’t last nearly so long as he wanted, and his orgasm sneaked up on him so that he was left going soft inside Merlin while he finished him off with his hand.

After, he flopped down onto the bed, wanted nothing more than to fall sleep.

“What did you think?” Merlin said.

Arthur might have normally been more reserved in his answer, nervous that Merlin’s assessment wouldn’t match his own, but he was feeling blissful, happy, like they were two halves of a whole.

“Brilliant! You?”

“It was a bit of work on the front end, but once we got going… I’m glad we didn’t give up. It was so much better than fingering myself alone on my bed.”

After that, they added anal sex into their normal rotation. It wasn’t something they could do all the time. Of all the ways they could be together, it required the largest time slot. But they both enjoyed it, and when Merlin asked him one day if he wanted to try bottoming for a change and Arthur said no, explained he had no desire for that at all, Merlin said, “Okay. Just wanted to check,” and never brought it up again.

Arthur didn’t think it was possible for him to love a person more than he loved Merlin. Sometimes he imagined their future. He was lucky, he supposed, that he’d found Merlin so young in life. Most people never find someone they connect with half so well. He wouldn’t ever need to be with anyone else.

After more than six months together, Arthur’s father finally found out they were a couple. Arthur had been expecting a huge row over the fact that he liked boys more than girls, or because he hadn’t bothered to mention that the boy he always talked about was actually his long-term boyfriend, but all Uther said was, “Must be nice to feel so in love. Shame that never lasts like you think it will. You need to be thinking more about university and academics and less about this boy of yours.”

It was such a stereotypical thing for a parent to say, it hadn’t bothered Arthur at all. And it wasn’t as if he were ignoring the realities of university looming on the horizon. He had it all planned out. They were going to go to the same university and share a dorm room if they could get away with it. Before Merlin, Arthur had always wanted an off-campus flat. He would still prefer it actually, but Merlin couldn’t afford the rent on the kind of place he wanted, and had adamantly refused Arthur’s offer to pay all the rent himself. It had been a silly argument, and he’d given over before it got too heated. The dorms would do just as well for him, as long as Merlin was with him.

It wasn’t wishful thinking like Morgana said when he explained his plan to her. He’d talked about it with Merlin. They both agreed. They were coordinating their applications. It hadn’t been difficult to find universities that had both a school of law for Arthur and a school of medicine where Merlin could study to become a physician’s assistant like he wanted. They were bound to both get into at least one of their picks. They’d be together all the time. It was going to be the perfect life.

-x-x-

“Made a few changes to my UCAS application yesterday,” Merlin said while Arthur was recovering from his second orgasm of the evening.

Arthur rolled onto his side, mirroring Merlin’s posture.

“What sort of changes?”

“Well, the biggest thing… I added Fishers University.”

“Fishers? But I thought you wanted to go to university with me.”

“It’s just an application, Arthur. Doesn’t mean anything.” Merlin hesitated, and Arthur could tell there was more to it than that. “Besides… I’ve been thinking a lot and talking with Mr. Gaius. Instead of being a physician’s assistant, I’m thinking I might be happier as a chemist. I’d still be helping people, but I’ve always liked chemistry more than biology.”

“But none of the universities we picked together has a good pharmacy program.”

“I know. That’s why I added Fishers. I could stay at home too, save money on housing, and help my mum. Mr. Gaius even thinks I could get a bigger scholarship since it’s is a smaller university.”

Merlin was rubbing his hand in soothing circles over Arthur’s bare hip, and Arthur understood why. “Fishers doesn’t have a law school.”

“You could go to university in London instead, like you originally wanted, Arthur.”

Arthur remembered their first conversation about the issue. _How do you expect me to go to uni in London? I’d have to become an Arsenal fan._ He’d been joking, but only partway. Merlin didn’t like the idea of living in such a big city.

“Besides, we’ve still got a couple months before the applications have to be submitted, and I’m probably going to change my mind again in a week or two anyway.”

It had been enough to appease Arthur at the time, but it spouted a seed of worry in his chest that grew with each passing day. Merlin would forget about him if they didn’t go to the same university, and all the Gillis of the world would be eager to steal Merlin away for themselves. He revised his own application before the end of the week. He’d wanted to follow in his mother’s footsteps and be a solicitor since he was little, but he could pick a different career. It wasn’t _that_ big a deal.

When his father found out, he gave Arthur a troubled frown. “You’re too young to be throwing away your future like this. You’re going to have to let him go, son.”

Arthur tried not to let it bother him. His father was wrong. It would all work out fine in the long run. They were in love. As long as they were together, nothing could stand in their way.

Right?


	3. Lessons Learned

  1. Love isn’t always enough.
  2. Heavy drinking the night before a big exam is a stupid idea, no matter how late in the day the test.
  3. Regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman, sex with a random hookup is only enjoyable in the moment. As soon as Arthur’s had his orgasm, he wants to be alone.
  4. No matter how much you want to, it’s impossible to stop loving someone just because they’re no longer in your life.
  5. University takes a lot more effort than sixth form, but it’s worth it.
  6. Having a rich, powerful father doesn’t always help when looking for a job on your own merit.
  7. Working for Mr. Aredian Feynman is hell on earth.
  8. Paris isn’t a very romantic city when the arsehole you’ve been seeing for several months tells you that if you don’t let him fuck you, it’s over.
  9. Sometimes, sisters have good advice; leaving a lousy employer to work at a good company really can improve your whole outlook on life.
  10. Making friends as an adult is even more difficult than making them as a kid.
  11. Boyfriends that insist that you pass on a promotion you’ve worked hard for years to earn because he’s worried you’ll no longer be available to fuck him at a moment’s notice are to be dumped immediately.
  12. It’s okay to take a break from dating every now and then.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not some much a chapter as a transition, but I wanted this to be a low angst story so I decided to breeze through the painful years, lol!


	4. The Long Run

Arthur peered up at the building in front of him. He was early for his appointment and the landlord hadn’t arrived yet to give him the tour. It looked like a nice enough place on the outside and the rent was well within his budget, but he’d had more than one flat in the years since leaving home that looked fine to begin with, then turned out to be a nightmare. The flat in Paris with the nice view of a park had thin walls and an aspiring drummer on the other side. The flat in Bristol when he started his training contract boasted eco-friendly management practices, but had a terrible infestation of rats. And his second year flat at uni was right next to the most popular pub, but… Well, it was right next to the most popular pub. He hadn’t realized how much of a double-edged sword that could be when he signed the lease.

Experience had taught him to be cautious. He planned on living in his new home for a long time. London was his ideal city after all. He wanted his new place to be perfect.

He turned in a slow circle to take in the rest of the neighbourhood. This was the first thing he considered when choosing a new place. That flat next to the pub had been awfully convenient when it came to walking home after a night of drinking and for bringing his latest pull back to his for an easy one-night stand, but drunk people are appallingly obnoxious when you’re sober. Especially if you’re trying to study or sleep. 

There were no rowdy pubs in sight here, only a long row of terraced houses opposite the small block of flats Arthur was considering, several large trees lining the street, and a few people out doing chores or running errands. He couldn’t see it from here, but he knew that a short way down the street was a suitable selection of restaurants, a couple of shops, and a post office. As Arthur turned back toward the block of flats, his gaze slid past a man with dark hair walking with his head down, reading something on his mobile. Arthur spun back to get a second look not just because the bloke was fit, but because he looked remarkably like Merlin Emrys, his first boyfriend, his first love.

Arthur instinctively wanted to call out, but what if it wasn’t him? He would look like an idiot. He’d feel like one too, and that was worse. Arthur glanced at his watch. His appointment wasn’t for another 15 minutes. He had time to get a closer look.

He took off down the pavement, feeling like a bit of a creep. Odds were, it was just someone who looked similar, because why would Merlin be in London? But if it was him… God! They hadn’t seen each other in eight years. Not since they ended their year and a half long relationship. The distress of their breakup felt raw as he called the memory back into the forefront of his mind. He could still remember how Merlin’s voice had trembled when he said, “Maybe we have to… to breakup.”

It wasn’t due to any particular problem in their relationship. It was just that they didn’t have much choice in the matter. They were both going away to different universities and long-distance relationships never worked. A clean break made sense. End it before any bitter emotions sullied the relationship.

That wasn’t to say it wasn’t horrible. Merlin had cried. Arthur had cried too, despite all efforts to be a mature adult about it. He should have known better than to expect a teenage love affair to work out in the long term—his father had warned him after all—but the experience had left a hole in his heart he’d felt would never heal. That wound was scarred over now. Or so he told himself.

He tried to ignore the way that thoughts of Merlin always resurfaced when he started a new relationship. He knew it was unhealthy. That at 26 you weren’t supposed to compare your current boyfriend to the boy you fucked when you were a teenager, weren’t supposed to judge the way they kissed, or how much they made you laugh, or how warm you felt when they smiled against an ex you hadn’t seen or heard from in years.

Thoughts like those irritated him, made him feel like he was never going to be able to fully move on. And moving on was what he had to do. He’d realized that after the first year. Merlin had wanted to stay close to the only family he had in the world. Arthur had wanted to get out of their little town as fast as possible and never come back.

They’d never have been able to make each other happy in the long run when their idea of the perfect life was so vastly different. He needed someone more in tune with his own goals. And so did Merlin. He deserved that. Arthur hadn’t even tried to keep in touch. It hurt too damn much. He’d even avoided social media because of it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Merlin to be happy, but he didn’t want to have it rubbed in his face. Didn’t want to have to fake supportive excitement. Didn’t want Merlin commenting on posts where Arthur went on holiday with his latest boyfriend. “You look so happy, Arthur. The two of you make a great couple!”

And so, he’d shoved Merlin into a tiny box and pushed it aside in the back corners of his brain, in the deep recesses of his heart. Arthur had expected that was where he would stay forever.

Arthur jogged down the street and turned a corner. The maybe-Merlin bloke crossed the road at the next pedestrian crossing down and walked into a chemist’s. By the time Arthur entered the shop, the man he was following was nowhere to be seen.

As he peeked down each of the aisles, he noticed he was beginning to sweat, and not from physical exertion. He hadn’t been this nervous in ages.

_Calm down, you don’t even know if it’s him yet._

But what if it was? He forced himself to resist the urge to wipe his suddenly clammy hands on his trousers.

In the next to last aisle, Arthur finally spotted him. He was partially turned away from Arthur but this close, he could see the shape of the man’s neck and ears, the outline of a cheek. This had to be Merlin. No one else had such an unconventionally beautiful silhouette.

Arthur took a step closer, then froze. What if Merlin didn’t want to see him? Arthur had no desire to see any of his other exes. Cedric was a disaster. Mordred, he’d thought… but that barely lasted a few weeks and it was misery the entire time. Kay, Owen, Oswald, Ethan… None of them had fared much better. He’d even tried with Mithian who was objectively perfect. He just couldn’t feel the way he was supposed to with her, and the look on her face when he’d had to tell her… He didn’t care to see her again either.

He retreated to the end of the aisle and plastered himself against the end of the shelf as though that would help him avoid being seen. His heart hammered against his ribs as if it intended to break through, and he felt just the tiniest bit sick to his stomach. He was losing his mind here. Why couldn’t he just go up to him like a normal person and say, ‘It’s been so long. How have you been?’ Like he just wanted to reminisce with an old friend. And he did want to reminisce. Wanted to talk and laugh and fuck like they used to.

He pulled out his mobile, considered texting Morgana for advice. He opened his stress management app instead and tried to run through some of the calming exercises. It didn’t help.

He always had a tendency to imagine the worst, and now was no different. A random worry popped into his head that maybe Merlin was here to buy condoms. He imagined a box of XXL Durex in Merlin’s shopping basket and some ridiculously fit bloke anxiously waiting for him to return home so he could fuck Merlin so thoroughly he lost every last drop of inhibition. The scene in his head was so vivid, he could practically hear Merlin moaning and whimpering for more like he used to do with Arthur.

“Arthur? Is that you?”

Arthur nearly jumped out of his skin. He spun in the direction of the sound. His phone leapt out of his hand and clattered to the floor.

“Arthur Pendragon! It really is you!”

Arthur grabbed his mobile off the floor, didn’t even spare a moment to make sure the screen was still intact. He shoved it back into his pocket and tried to fake surprise at finding Merlin here while simultaneously pretending he hadn’t been startled like a little girl.

“Merlin?” 

Merlin was looking him up and down, and Arthur tried to stand a little taller so that Merlin wouldn’t notice he’d put on a few pounds since they’d last seen each other. He wasn’t fat. Not in the least. But Morgana had teased him as a kid, and he’d been sensitive about his weight ever since. It wasn’t his fault that nature had gifted him with bulkier muscles through the torso than she thought flattering. Merlin still had the hard, lean, wiry muscles he remembered, but he’d filled out a bit as well. His shoulders and chest were broader than he remembered. Merlin was taller too. Fucking hell, Merlin was taller than him now. It had been the other way round last they’d seen each other. The effect the sight was having on Arthur’s body though, that was achingly familiar.

“Imagine running into you here,” Arthur said. “It’s been what…” He paused as if he didn’t know off the top of his head. “Eight years?”

“Yeah. Wow!” Merlin leaned toward him and caught Arthur off guard. He shifted slightly, and Merlin stepped back just as Arthur realized what he was doing and leaned closer to reciprocate.

Merlin laughed, tried again, and this time succeeded in wrapping his arms around Arthur in a friendly embrace.

“Sorry, didn’t think you would go for a hug,” Arthur said.

Merlin’s broad grin felt contagious.

“This is incredible seeing you here. What are you doing in London? How long are you here for? We should get together and catch up if you have time.”

“Yeah. Just for the day this time. But I’ll be back soon. Do you live here now? I thought you wanted to stay near home.”

“More job opportunities here in the big city. I still get back every few weeks to visit my mum.”

“Well, hey,” Arthur said, checking his watch but not actually registering the time. “I’ve got an appointment I need to get to, but let me get your number. We can set something up next time I’m in town.” Arthur thought he handled that bit quite nicely. Didn’t come off as desperate or give any indication that he’d just followed Merlin several streets like a psycho stalker.

Arthur saved Merlin’s contact information into his phone and went back for his tour of the flat. He wasn’t all that impressed. It was a dark little space with little natural light, outdated appliances, and zero storage space. But the fact that Merlin likely lived or worked nearby made Arthur give the place more consideration than he otherwise would.

After the meeting, he headed back to his hotel, had a hard time not calling or texting Merlin to come over and catch up right now, hoped that Merlin would be interested in catching up in all the ways Arthur wanted.

He closed his eyes and tried for a nap but all he saw was Merlin’s 26-year-old body. It made him wonder if other parts of Merlin had grown like his shoulders and chest. If other parts had added in length like his height.

This was a very familiar feeling, putting so much time into thinking about Merlin’s cock. He’d held it, kissed it, rubbed it, stroked it, had his mouth all over it and yet, if Merlin wanted sex with him again, it might feel new in a way Arthur couldn’t quite explain inside his head. But he definitely wanted it. Wanted Merlin’s dick all over again. Wanted it more than ever.

-x-x-

Arthur forced himself not to text Merlin the next day or the day after, even though he knew he was going to be in London the next weekend. He told himself to wait a little longer, then a horrible thought crossed his mind. What if, while he was waiting in an attempt to not seem too eager, Merlin made plans with someone else? What if Arthur had only this tiny window of opportunity and he was blowing it just because Merlin might guess what he was really thinking? He grabbed his phone.

          Hi Merlin. This is Arthur.  
          Turns out I’ll be in London again this weekend.  
          We should meet up Friday for supper.

There. That sounded friendly but not too friendly. Arthur sat there, watching his phone, waiting for a response. Nothing happened. Not even the annoying little dots that meant Merlin was working on a reply. After a few minutes, he made himself set the phone down. He was picking it back up before the screen even went black.

Still nothing.

Damn.

Maybe he was too late after all. He should have texted yesterday or the day before. God, he was a fool.

In his head, Arthur concocted a scenario involving Merlin going on a date over the weekend with some other bloke. They were going to hit it off and end up married. What an utter disaster. He was replaying this nightmare scenario for a third (maybe fourth) time, when he realized it probably meant something that the idea of Merlin marrying someone else was this terrifying.

_Get ahold of yourself. You interacted with him a whole two minutes in eight years and you’re suddenly jealous of some nonexistent future fiancé?_

Then a whole new dread filled him. What if Merlin were _already_ engaged? (Or married! He hadn’t noticed a ring, but had he actually looked?) Merlin had only said that they should catch up sometime. Not that he wanted to get back together. They’d been friends before they were romantically involved. Maybe he just wanted to be friends again. Or he was only saying they should catch up because that’s what people who haven’t seen each other in ages say regardless of whether or not they actually want to. Because it’s the polite thing to do. And here Arthur was, taking the offer seriously. He waffled between wanting to take the text back and wishing he’d sent it days ago.

He left his phone in the living room, went to take a long, hot shower, and tried forgetting about Merlin. He soon found he’d chosen the wrong place to do that because the shower was where he usually wanked. He turned the water on cold but tired of that after less than a minute. He turned the water back to hot and did what he had to do to calm his body down after thinking so much about his ex.

When he finished with his shower, he toweled off, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, and started toward his bedroom. He paused in the hallway, wanting to check his phone, but told himself it wasn’t worth it. That he’d just be disappointed. That he needed to forget about it, go to sleep, and face the fact that Merlin wasn’t going to respond.

He successfully avoided his phone the rest of the night until it was time for bed, then he had no choice but to look at it because he used his phone as his alarm, and he always doublechecked before bed to make sure it was set correctly.

That was when he saw it.

          Back so soon, eh?  
          Lucky you.  
          We should go to BananaTree on Wardour St  
          You still like Thai, right?

Merlin had texted back while he was in the shower. He was seriously overthinking this whole thing. He couldn’t help it.

          Sounds great.  
          Meet at 7?

Merlin replied immediately this time.

          See you then 😊

With the goddamned smiley face and everything. Bloody hell. Arthur laid in bed, grinning up at the ceiling.

He had a date with Merlin. Again. Or at least, a sort-of date. He still wasn’t sure if Merlin was interested like that or if he really did just want to catch up with an old friend. But people don’t generally just catch up with people that used to fuck them if they have someone else fucking them now, so Arthur felt his chances were good that at least Merlin wasn’t involved with someone else at the moment. And that meant he had a chance.

He didn’t usually wank twice in one day. It wasn’t like when he was a teenager. But lying in bed, thinking of what he and Merlin could get up to after their maybe-date dinner, well… He reached for his bedside table and the recent purchase he’d stashed there.

-x-x-

It took Arthur over an hour to get ready for his dinner with Merlin. He’d brought more clothes than he needed in his overnight bag, and he couldn’t decide which shirt showed off his pecs better, kept changing his mind about how obvious he wanted it to be that he was trying to show off. When he finally arrived at the restaurant wearing his best dark wash jeans and a casual, pale blue button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, Merlin was already seated at a table along the back wall. He kept messing with his hair, and Arthur stood near the entrance just watching him for a few moments. He still hadn’t got used to the way Merlin looked now. He could stare all night long, but he wanted to do more than look.

“Hey Merlin,” he said, as he sat down opposite his date.

Merlin gave a visible jerk, then put his hand over his heart and laughed.

“Jumpy this evening, I see.”

“Guess so. You startled me.”

“You haven’t been waiting long, I hope.”

“No, just got here a few minutes ago.”

They’d said the evening was for catching up, but they didn’t talk much about the old days, and they didn’t spend any more time than they had to talking about the years they’d spent apart either. After filling each other in on the basics—how Merlin worked at that chemist where they’d met the other day, how Arthur was moving to help his company grow their London presence—they jumped right into mundane talk about their day and their plans for the upcoming week. The type of discussions that you have with the few people that you see most often, the ones that already know everything about you.

When they got around to Arthur’s chore for tomorrow, finding a new place to live, Merlin said, “As a fairly new Londoner myself, I welcome you. We’ll be able to have dinner all the time. I mean, if you want.”

“Sounds good to me. It’s nice to know I have at least one friend in the city already.”

“Yes. _You_ need that.” Merlin said with a little grin, nudging at Arthur’s foot under the table. “Everyone knows your prattish ways don’t help with making new friends.”

“Ha ha. Not everyone needs to have a million friends like you.”

“It’s not my fault everyone likes me.”

“Then whose is it?”

“Hmmm… Must be my—” Merlin cut off and reached for his tea.

“What was that, Merlin?”

“Nothing. Never mind.” He was completely serious all of a sudden.

Arthur frowned, not sure what he’d done to derail their pleasant banter all of a sudden.

“Hey, Merlin… I didn’t say something wrong, did I?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then…”

Merlin smiled at him a little sad. “I was about to make a joke, but it wasn’t funny.”

Arthur could see what Merlin had been about to say now. He’d meant to pin the blame for his charming personality on his mother, then stopped when he remembered who he was talking to: the man who’d never known his own mother, whose stepmother had run off with her lover, never to be seen again. And Arthur could see how Merlin thought this flippant comment could be misinterpreted. He worried that Arthur would take the comment too seriously. Like he was blaming Arthur’s supposed lack of friends on his family situation.

It was impressive really, how Arthur could still read what Merlin was thinking like that, how conscious Merlin still was about not wanting to say anything that would cause Arthur even a moment’s pain. Even people that knew about his mum, they would have gone ahead and made the joke. Probably never connected the dots. Or they would have, then been shocked that they’d forgotten and made a big deal out of apologizing. It wasn’t that Merlin was tiptoeing around him. It was just that it was important to him that Arthur not be reminded unnecessary about pain in his past that could never be fixed.

A small smile crept onto Arthur’s face.

“I see what you’re thinking there, Merlin. I’m lucky I have such a good friend as you.”

Merlin regained a little of his humour. “I suppose even the most socially inept among us strike gold once in a while.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure how they’d managed it, but it felt like no time had passed. Felt like tomorrow he’d be ringing Merlin up, asking him to come over to his house. Except Arthur didn’t have a house. And his lease on his flat in Cardiff was expiring next month.

“So what part of town are you looking to move to? The poshest district no doubt.”

“I was actually looking at a place just down the street from where you work.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, so I didn’t really like that place in particular. But it’s a reasonable commute to the new office, so somewhere nearby would be good.”

“I did a lot of research looking for the best places when I moved here. They’re six months old, but you can have my notes if you want.”

“That’d be really helpful actually.”

“You’ll probably want to give more consideration to the places that I automatically crossed out because they were too expensive, but—”

“Whatever Merlin. I don’t live in a fancy penthouse like you think I do.”

Merlin raised both eyebrows.

“No, I mean it!” He tried not to let his cheeks blush. “I have a fondness for smaller, more cozy flats.”

He could see Merlin’s unanswered question and debated with himself if this was a piece of information that was okay to share just yet or if Merlin would be weirded out by it. He decided to live dangerously.

“Growing up, I lived in that huge empty house, barely ever saw my family. I don’t want to live somewhere that feels lonely. That little flat you had with your mum had a much homier type feel. I always liked that. Still do.”

Merlin didn’t freak out. “Don’t say I blame you really. Oh, my mum says, ‘hi’ by the way.”

“You told Hunith you were having dinner with me?”

“Of course. Had to call her after I saw you last week. She wanted me to tell you she hopes you are doing well.”

“You can tell her I’ll be doing very well as soon as I get this move out of the way.” Not only would the stress of moving finally be over, but he might even have a chance at rekindling his relationship with her son.

After they finished their meal and were just lingering around, sipping their tea slowly so they had an excuse to stay, Merlin said, “You haven’t said whether you’ll be leaving someone behind when you move. Or if you’ll be having someone move with you.”

It was a slightly subtler way of asking what Arthur had wanted to ask all night. ‘Are you seeing anyone? Are you available?’

“Sometimes,” Merlin said, “I feel like I’m the only single person left from my school days. I’ve had to go to so many weddings these past few years.”

And God! There it was. Merlin was single. Was saying this now because he specifically wanted Arthur to know that he was single.

“I know how you feel. Us poor bachelors need to stick together.”

Merlin struggled to keep his expression neutral. Arthur gave him an encouraging little smile and just stared into his eyes like he used to do after they had sex. After sex, when all he could think about was how fucking in love he was.

“If you have time, you could come over to my flat now, and I could give you those notes I promised for your flat finding expedition tomorrow.”

Arthur checked his watch, found it was already after nine o’clock. What he needed to be doing was getting back to his hotel room and going to bed so he could wake up early and get a full day in.

He said, “Yeah, I have time for that.”

Merlin insisted on paying the bill seeing as he’d been the one to supposedly spot Arthur first and invite him to dinner. Then they were out in the cool evening air, walking to the nearest tube station.

Arthur had to take a minute to review his situation. Here he was on a Friday night, headed to his ex-boyfriend’s flat. All he wanted to do was put his arms around Merlin’s waist and snog his brains out. Right here, in front of all these innocent witnesses. He managed to resist. He resisted through the entire trip back to Merlin’s flat, through waiting on Merlin to find the right key and unlock the door. He even managed to resist when Merlin said, “My notes are somewhere in my bedroom,” and pointed down a short hallway.

Arthur would have followed after him but Merlin said, “I have drinks in the kitchen. Why don’t you get us something?”

Merlin had a poorly stocked liquor cabinet—just vodka and Irish whiskey. In the refrigerator he had orange juice, milk, and an unopened bottle of sparkling wine from a local winery. That particular wine had won several awards. It wasn’t obscenely expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either.

He raised his voice so Merlin could hear him. “What’s the deal with this wine?”

Merlin shouted back, “Mr. Gaius sent that to me when he heard I was moving here for a new job. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion. You can open it if you like.”

Arthur debated, then dug through the drawers in search of a dish towel to drape over the cork as he opened the bottle. A special occasion he’d said. Apparently this qualified. Merlin wouldn’t have told him he could open it if he didn’t mean it. Merlin had always been honest like that. It was one of the many things Arthur’d liked so much about him. He poured two small glasses, recorked the bottle and returned the rest to the refrigerator. He didn’t want to get drunk. Didn’t want Merlin drunk either.

He walked the glasses down to the bedroom where Merlin was still making a ruckus searching for those notes. Merlin’s room was barely any better kept than when he’d been a teenager. He had a stack of books on his bedside table that looked like it might tip over. There was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor, and a box of notebooks and other odds and ends sat beside a small desk that had a laptop resting unopened on the corner. Merlin was on his hands and knees, digging through the contents of the box with one hand, his arse pointed toward Arthur.

Arthur’s dick took an instant liking to the view. He sat the wine glasses on the desk, said, “Why don’t you leave that for now?”

Merlin looked behind him at Arthur, stared up at him from his place on the floor. He stood slowly, turned to face Arthur, and all that resisting had worn down Arthur’s self-control. Wine forgotten, he stepped into Merlin’s personal space, put one hand on his hip, ran the other along his arm, then leaned in and started kissing him. Merlin had no objections. He parted his lips, brought his tongue up to slide across Arthur’s, put one hand to the back of Arthur’s head to keep him close. Merlin’s breath was unexpectedly fresh without being overpowering, like he’d managed to sneak a mint after dinner without Arthur noticing.

A low moan bubbled up from Arthur’s throat. This was better than he remembered. It took no time at all for the slow kiss to turn heated, for Merlin’s hands to move on to his shirt to work the buttons out of their holes and to peel Arthur’s outer layer from his chest. He tugged the plain white vest he had on underneath over his head and tossed it onto the floor, pulled Merlin forward by the hips so that their lower torsos were flush together.

Merlin took advantage, ground his erection against Arthur’s, let out a little whine before he started to work on removing Arthur’s trousers. Arthur did the same for Merlin as they stumbled back toward the bed, Arthur wearing nothing but his pants and socks, Merlin in just his shirt.

“Ah,” Arthur panted as he bumped into the edge of the bed. He had to wait for Merlin to break another kiss for breath to say, “Fuck me.”

Merlin paused and Arthur understood the confusion. They’d never done things that way before.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. I want you to fuck me.”

Merlin hooked his fingers under the band of Arthur’s black trunks and sank to his knees, pulling the garment down to the floor. “I let you go a few years and you turn into an eager bottom. I’d never have guessed. I think I’m jealous of whoever converted you.”

“Then you’d be jealous of yourself.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” As Merlin stood back up, he left a soft little kiss on the head of Arthur’s cock. “You told me you never wanted to bottom.”

“I know. Didn’t think I ever would. That’s why I’ve never tried it before.”

“Wait. Hold on a minute.” Merlin put his hands square on Arthur’s shoulders and leaned away just far enough that he could judge Arthur’s expression. “ _Arthur_. Are you saying this would be your first time?”

“Come on, Merlin,” he said, dipping his head down to nose and suck at Merlin’s lovely neck. “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Merlin made a helpless sort of noise and pushed Arthur back onto the bed, climbed over him and proceeded to kiss and touch every piece of Arthur he could get his hands on. About the time Arthur started to get impatient, Merin kissed a path up his neck, whispered in his ear, “You want to be on your hands and knees for me? You remember how much better that worked for us my first time.”

“Yeah, but I’ll stay on my back until we’re ready. Want to see you as long as I can. I’m still getting over the fact that you’re taller than me now.”

“Does that bother you?”

“No. Think it might turn me on a bit.”

“Really?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

Merlin sat up on his knees so Arthur could get a good look, grabbed his dick, and rubbed his thumb along the slit, smearing a drop of pre-cum. “What if I let it go to this head?”

Arthur laughed. He had no idea how Merlin could say such stupid things with a straight face, but he’d always had that talent. “I suppose that’s acceptable.”

Merlin crawled over him to root around in the bedside table. When he came back, he had a condom and a half empty tube of lubricant. He set them aside, started sucking a bruise onto Arthur’s neck just above his shoulder. He had one hand on the mattress next to Arthur’s head to support himself, but the other he ran over Arthur’s pecs, grazing at his nipples, before trailing his fingers down Arthur’s ribs, over his hip, and onto his thigh. Merlin squeezed at the hard muscle there, then sat back on his heels and slid a leg over one of Arthur’s so that he was straddling his thigh. Arthur’s cock gave an almost painful twitch in response.

Merlin’s balls rested hot against Arthur’s skin, and his erection stood on proud display. Arthur reached down to give him a few lazy strokes, then shifted to make more room for Merlin between his legs. He pulled the knee of his free leg up, put his foot flat on the mattress. Merlin recognized the position as the invitation it was, moved over to situate himself fully between Arthur’s legs. Arthur wasn’t sure what to do with his arms—Merlin was too far away to touch now—so he put them above his head and grabbed onto the headboard.

“God, Arthur, aren’t you a sight!”

Arthur had to tip his head back to look away for a moment. He wasn’t used to feeling so much on display, not for anyone.

“Only for you, Merlin,” he said with his biggest, most ridiculous grin.

Merlin smiled warmly, like he knew Arthur wasn’t actually joking.

Merlin lifted Arthur’s bent leg and put a soft kiss on the inside of his knee, slid his lips up along Arthur’s leg and placed another one. He used his free hand to encourage Arthur to draw up his other leg too, ran light fingertips up to the junction with Arthur’s torso. As his lips drew closer to where Arthur wanted them most, Merlin skimmed his hand across Arthur’s lower abdomen, brushed his fingers lightly through the hairs at the base of Arthur’s straining cock. Then he was nosing at Arthur’s balls, and a fat drop of pre-cum splattered down onto Arthur’s belly.

“Are you going to fuck me or are you just planning on teasing me all night?”

“I could do both.” Merlin took a conspicuous glance at his alarm clock. “It’s only a couple of hours until it’s technically morning.” He sucked one of Arthur’s balls into his mouth.

 _Hours_?

“ _Merlin_ ,” Arthur groaned, shifting his hips up as though he could get some friction from the air. He had to tighten his grip on the headboard to stop himself from breaking down and taking matters into his own hands.

Merlin groped around at the mattress as he moved on to kiss and lick at the base of Arthur’s cock. Arthur reached down to move the condom and lube into Merlin’s path, then put his hand back on the headboard.

Merlin was a surprisingly good multitasker. He kept his lips moving over Arthur’s cock with light teasing touches, but Arthur heard the click of the lube cap and moments later, there was a wet touch at his hole. Merlin slathered on the lube and ran a finger around the rim, put the lightest pressure there with the pad of his finger, trying to relax him. Arthur shifted his hips a fraction and bore down so Merlin’s finger would slip right in.

“ _Arthur!_ ” Merlin clearly hadn’t been expecting that.

“You don’t have to take it easy on me. I’ve been practicing.”

“You’ve _what?_ ” Merlin sounded like he might be feeling a little light headed.

“Yeah. All week. Since I saw you at the shop. Went out and bought myself a toy and everything.”

“Confident you could get me back into bed, were you?”

“No. Just couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Merlin laughed. “You’ve been obsessing over my cock again, haven’t you?

“I don’t remember ever telling you about that.”

“Don’t feel bad. I think it was that time we broke into your dad’s liquor cabinet.”

“Sloe gin.”

“Nasty stuff.”

“Wasn’t bad with the orange juice.”

“You know that’s called a sloe screw? Is that what you want now? A slow screw?”

“I want you to get on with it.”

And so Merlin did—fingered him so mercilessly, Arthur felt in danger of coming too soon.

They weren’t even fucking yet and the sounds they were making were already obscene, the sloppy slide of Merlin’s fingers into Arthur’s body, the moans coming out of Arthur’s mouth, the silly little promises and praise coming from Merlin.

“Gonna make it so good for you,” Merlin said as he abandoned working Arthur with his fingers so he could roll on the condom and Arthur could roll onto his stomach, “you’ll only ever want to bottom again. I’ll be forced to beg you to let me have a turn for a change.” And when Merlin was finally sliding into him, “You really have been practicing, haven’t you? Taking me so well.”

He loved the anticipation of Merlin’s cock prodding at his entrance, loved the way his body opened up to let him in, and how he could feel Merlin’s cock shifting inside him when he dropped down to his forearms. He loved each of Merlin’s moans and the way the smell of sex and sweat permeated the air around them, tickling at his nose.

Arthur really didn’t understand why he hadn’t done this sooner. He’d known it could feel good from his practice but it was even better than he’d expected. A lot better. He didn’t think he’d ever been more eager. He was certainly more vocal than he could ever remember during sex. It wasn’t that he was loud, he just had a lot to express and if his self-restraint was paltry before, it was non-existent now.

Arthur really wasn’t thinking clearly at all. That’s how he let the truth slip out so easily. Between unrestrained moans of pleasure and desperate pleads for more, he said, “God, Merlin, I love you.”

He would have freaked out over it. Would have worried that Merlin was going to freak out over him saying it again so soon, but he was so close to his orgasm that he couldn’t put in the proper amount of mental effort to care. He could worry about it later. And Merlin, maybe he hadn’t even been paying attention, because he didn’t say anything about it, just wrapped his hand around Arthur’s dick and began working him with a grip that was just the right side of too much. Merlin remembered how he liked it.

With that sort of treatment, it didn’t take long for Arthur to peak. He soared on the edge of his orgasm, so lost in the moment that he barely even noticed the way he made a mess of the bedding, spurting hot streams of cum onto the blankets.

Slowly, Arthur became aware of the sound of Merlin working his own cock with his hand. Merlin must have used the convenient distraction of Arthur’s orgasm to pull out before he became oversensitive. He found himself wishing they’d timed this a little better so that Merlin could have finished inside him. Or that he at least had enough energy to turn over and help Merlin finish. _Oh well, maybe next time_. Arthur felt confident there would be a next time. Feeling loose and relaxed all over, all he could do was hang his head and enjoy the beautiful sound of Merlin’s voice as he came.

Merlin stretched himself out over Arthur’s back, wrapped an arm around his chest in a lazy sort of hug. Overwhelmed with the need to touch Merlin however he could, Arthur reached behind him and grabbed onto the back of Merlin’s thigh.

“Arthur… That was the most incredible thing. I never expected…” Merlin took a few deep breaths and rested for a minute before pulling away and tossing the condom into the bid next to the bed. He pulled a pack of moist towelettes from the same drawer as before and cleaned the excess lube and cum off Arthur’s skin, ran a finger through a trail of sweat on Arthur’s chest. “You want to shower?”

“Yeah, but later.”

Instead, they pushed the messy blankets onto the floor and laid on their sides, staring into each other’s eyes the same way they’d done when they were teenagers. Arthur brushed his hand against Merlin’s and Merlin turned it over to run his fingertips across Arthur’s palm. They laced their fingers together for a moment but didn’t stop. They kept their hands moving in slow, random caresses, as if they were looking to find every possible way their hands could touch.

After some time, Merlin said, “Don’t go looking for a flat tomorrow.”

Arthur gave him a lazy smile. “You want to stay in bed all day?”

“Sounds appealing.”

“Mmm. But if I don’t find a place to live—"

“No, but that’s what I meant. Don’t get a flat here in London.”

Arthur sat up. Maybe it _had_ been too much—the I-love-you thing so soon.

“Hey.” Merlin grabbed his arm so he couldn’t move further away. “Don’t be mad at me. I mean, why don’t you move in here instead. Live with me.”

Arthur was speechless.

“I know it’s fast. And maybe I’m getting the wrong idea here. Maybe what you said before was just a hormone driven, regrettable, in-the-heat-of-the-moment sex thing, but… I mean… Well…”

“Merlin, whatever you’re trying to say, just say it.”

“I pushed it all to the side because I had to, but the truth is, I don’t think I ever stopped.”

“Stopped what?” Arthur said, a dangerous hope bursting to life in his chest.

“Loving you. I mean, they say you never really forget your first love, but I don’t think that’s what this is. I’m wracking my brain right now trying to remember what we were thinking. Why did we ever break up?”

“So you could study pharmacy and be close to your mum. So I could study law and live in a big city.”

“We could have made it work. Why didn’t we even try?”

“Well, you were the one that brought it up, and I didn’t want to burden you with a long-distance relationship.”

“I only said something because your dad told me how you were planning to throw away your place in a prestigious law program to go to university with me.”

“My dad told you that?”

“Don’t be angry with him. He was right to tell me. I couldn’t let you give that up for me.”

Arthur’s view of their breakup shifted, and this new reality settled over him in a sudden rush. All this time… It wasn’t as though he’d thought that Merlin had been happy about ending their relationship, but he’d always assumed that it had been easier for him. That he would have moved on in a normal amount of time in the way that Arthur had tried to do, but had never actually accomplished. And here it had all been an act of self-sacrifice. Arthur should have known better, should have seen what he was doing and called him out for being a fool. Instead, he’d been every bit as foolish himself.

“Well, we were both dumb kids then. We’ve learned our lesson now.”

“God, Arthur, I really mean it,” Merlin said, as though he thought Arthur still needed convincing. “I’ve never stopped thinking about you. I’ve been missing you this whole time.”

Arthur rested their foreheads together. “We don’t have to miss each other anymore.” 

“So… Does this mean you’ll move in with me?”

“Yeah, I’ll move in with you. I’d love that.”

Arthur hardly got the words out before Merlin was kissing him again, his low whine telling Arthur he wasn’t the only one that remembered how their conversation had gone when he first agreed to be Merlin’s boyfriend all those years ago.

“People are going to think we’re mad,” Merlin said, when he pulled away.

“I don’t mind.”

“No, me neither.”

Merlin climbed out of bed and went to retrieve their celebratory wine. He paused in front of the desk.

“Are you staring at my arse?”

“Yes,” Arthur said. “Yes, I am.”

“And when I turn around, you’re going to stare at my cock, too, aren’t you?”

“You know me so well, Merlin.”

Merlin grabbed both glasses in one hand, carefully angling them to avoid spilling the contents. He turned around, grabbed his limp dick and gave it a shake. “So how did you like having me inside you?”

Merlin looked ridiculous and he knew it. He was just trying to make Arthur laugh. It took effort, but Arthur kept his mouth closed. He didn’t want to reward that kind of behaviour by giving Merlin the reaction he was going for, but he couldn’t fully suppress a smile.

He wanted to remind Merlin that he’d had his cock in him plenty of times before because his mouth did count as inside his body, but what he said was, “Have you changed at all, Merlin?”

Merlin gave a little shrug. “You wouldn’t still like me if I’d changed too much.”

It was a true enough statement, though the word ‘like’ didn’t even begin to cover it. He was already giving into the temptation to start planning the rest of their lives together. He took a deep breath and tried to reel himself back in. Before he got any more carried away, he needed to make sure they were on the same page with more than just their feelings for each other.

“I have a serious question for you,” Arthur said after they’d finished their wine and laid back down facing each other.

“Ask me anything, Arthur.”

“Tell me what you want out of life.”

Merlin didn’t say anything, just gazed into Arthur’s eyes, his expression soft, all fond and full of love.

“No, no. Stop.” Arthur put a hand over Merlin’s mouth, tried to cover his eyes too, but couldn’t quite block the whole view. “Don’t look at me like that right now.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m the best thing ever. Like all you want is me.”

“Ohh, bit full of yourself today, aren’t you? Guess you haven’t change all that much either. You’re still an arrogant prat.”

The insults held no sting. Merlin was tracing lazy shapes onto the bare skin of Arthur’s ribs and hip.

“I’m serious here. Tell me what your ideal future would be.”

Merlin was quiet for several long moments, thinking his answer through. “My boss is getting on a bit and doesn’t have any family to leave his business to. I haven’t worked for him long, but he’s already saying he wants me to take over when he retires. I don’t think the old badger will ever give up the place, but I suppose he’ll have to die one day. And taking over the shop... I think I’d like that.”

“That’s good.” That was very good. It meant he intended to stay in London, possibly for the rest of his life. “What else?”

“I want to find someone that makes me feel like I’m not missing pieces of myself anymore.”

“Uh-huh,” Arthur managed to croak out, because Merlin was still giving him that look. “And erm… what would you do with such a person?”

Merlin shrugged. “Might like to marry him.”

“That right?”

“Yeah, but… Look, I’m not… I mean, I’m flexible. I don’t need all my wildest dreams to come true in order to be happy. There’s only one of those things I won’t compromise on.”

“I see. So, hypothetically, what would you say is the minimum time two people should wait after they first start seeing each other before they get engaged?”

“Under normal circumstances, I suppose two years is best, but one would be the minimum.”

“And what if circumstances were a little different? Say for instance the two people knew each other first?”

“That would cut down on the time quite a lot, wouldn’t it?” Merlin’s knowing smile made it clear that he knew why Arthur was asking. “Maybe six months?”

Arthur could hardly believe they were having this conversation already. People really were going to think they’d gone mad.

“Now, Merlin, this is all hypothetical, you understand?”

“Sure, Arthur.”

“I mean it. Don’t be expecting a ring from me six months from now, all right? I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

“I understand.”

Arthur had always been the one to lead the physical side of their relationship, but Merlin had always been the first one to take the next step on the emotional side. To show Merlin that he was just as invested in that part of their relationship, Arthur was determined to be the one to ask Merlin to take that next big step together. If he waited until after six months, he was afraid Merlin would beat him to the punch, so instead, he asked Merlin to marry him a short four months after their fateful catching-up dinner.

He got down on one knee, gave a whole speech. Merlin was grinning the whole time.

“Does that smile mean you agree? You’ll marry me?”

“Yeah, Arthur. I’ll marry you. I’d really love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they lived happily ever after. The end! Haha. Hope you enjoyed it!


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